FIRE

She lay on the bed in a daze. Satin sheets. Scented candles. Karunesh on Repeat. An empty bottle of wine. A brand new pack of cigarettes. Life was perfect.

Aaoo huzoor tumko…sitaron pe le chaloon

There are few things on earth that can match the ecstacy of having the first smoke of the day. She lit the match and watched the fire devour the helpless matchstick. She watched another one burn. And then another. And another. She smiled. She liked fire.
She lit her cigarette and sat gazing out of the window. A French window overlooking the sea. Her favourite part of the house. Her breathing space. A welcome respite. It was a sensuous night. The sky looked beautiful without the moon. The moon was overrated, really.

1:29 of Punjab- Karunesh

He came out of nowhere. Did she forget to lock the door? She would have screamed. But he was adept. Nimble. Strong. He had done this before.
He cupped her mouth with one hand. So tight. Pulled her hair with the other. He brushed his lips against the lobe of her ear.
“Shhhhh..”
The walls were closing in on her. He pushed her on to the floor. She screamed. He slapped her. She struggled. It was futile. He slapped her again. It was about to get worse. She couldn’t remember much else. Too much wine. But she remembered those muscular arms. Those fingers.. that traced every inch of her body. His nails digging into her skin. His merciless teeth leaving proof on her body. The 4:06 of Punjab. The sound of the creaking bed. The broken wine glass. The pain.
She gave in. She was too weak. He was Fire, itself. He reduced her to ashes. She lay there, sobbing. Ravaged. Defiled.
6:34 OF PUNJAB- KARUNESH
He was now panting beside her..looking at her nervously.

“So, did I do it right, dear?”

She lit a matchstick. And smiled.

“Almost. Happy Anniversary, baby.”

Genteel Young Ladies

She just sat there. Beads of sweat adorned her wrinkled forehead. She looked uneasy. Restless. Like a drug addict on the first day of rehab. Her eyes were ablaze. Lowered. She did not dare look up.

Everyone waited.

Everyone stared.

DO NOT LOOK AT THEM.

She hated the word ‘shrink’. It was derogatory. ‘Shrink’ sounded like someone a loony person would go to. She, obviously, wasn’t a loony person. PSYCHIATRIST. Yes, that’s more like it. Lots of normal people go to pyschiatrists. Life is stressful. Everyone could do with a little help. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. Someone who understands. Someone who cares about you… at the rate of Rs.1200 per hour.

She had to control the urge. She could not let it happen. No, not again.

Why couldn’t he just give me the damned pills?

They were still waiting. Oh, if only they stopped staring!

DO NOT LOOK.

COUNT. 1- 1000.

He recommended counting when faced with such a situation. “Sheep, maybe?” he had said. She remembered laughing at him. He was pathetic.

SHE had an imagination. She counted models walking on a runway. Beautiful , flawless models. She even designed their clothes in her head. Sometimes, she counted adorable little white kittens getting slaughtered. One by one. But that was on bad days.

So what is the fate of the kittens going to be today, huh Nina?

NO. Let’s try models. I can do this.

ONE…TWO… THREE…

This wasn’t working.

FOUR…FIVE….

What would people say? She could not display her uncouthness to the world. She could not lay bare for everyone to see. She had a reputation to keep.

SIX..SEVEN.

Remember when it happened at Mommy’s? You don’t want to disappoint Mommy again, do you, Nina?

EIGHT..NINE..

That’s all you have ever been. A disappointment.

 No!

More beads of sweat. She was 12 now. All the dark memories were dredging up.

It hurts, mommy. Stop!

She flinched. It was her fault. Why couldn’t she be prettier? Just like her. Why couldn’t she be elegant?
The knife and fork had to be set JUST right on the plate after finishing your meal. Why was it so difficult to remember? That’s how well-groomed young ladies behave.

She was 15 now. Low fat yoghurt for dessert every single day.

But I am always hungry, mommy.

She tried not to think about what ensued when Mommy found the bars of chocolates in her bag.

Her mind jolted back to reality. She was 35 again.

KITTENS, THEN.

ONE…TWO…

This was better. She could breath now. A sudden sense of calm took over. She could get through this.

THREE…FOUR..

She now tried to think about what had happened. Her life would never be the same. She was devastated. The very last strings that held her sanity together had just snapped.

They always leave. All of them.

The spotlight was on her. The audience looked anxiously.

But all she could focus on was the nagging voice in her head.
“Don’t do it.”, it said.

It only made her want to do it more.

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT

She could think of nothing else. She had to let go. She couldn’t help it. SHE HAD TO.

NINE, TEN….DON’T DO IT.

How could she subject them to such abhorrent behaviour? After all those years of hard work..

She remembered the damned gin bottles next to Mommy’s bed. Empty ones meant it was going to be a bad day. Yes, worse than the day before.

STOP! IT HURTS!

“You clumsy little filthy bitch!”

“You’re so ugly!”

ELEVEN, TWELVE..

She clutched her mouth with her hands. Perfectly manicured. Mommy would be proud.

Not a clumsy, ugly little bitch NOW, am I, mother?

But the urge consumed her. Possessed her. She could think of nothing else.

DON’T!

She finally raised her head and looked directly at them.

DON’T DO IT.

She did.

It was the talk of the town next morning. Nina Thukral. The fashionista. The socialite. The epitome of poise…broke into peals of hysterical, flagrant laughter at her husband’s funeral. She giggled incessantly for hours.

Horror-scopes

Horror-scopes

All of us have this one annoying dumbass of a friend who has unfaltering faith in horoscopes and zodiac signs. Well, if you ARE that dumbass reading this, I have a prediction for you.

*soothing voice*

‘Certain words you may read in your very recent future are going to humiliate you. However tomorrow if you wear turquoise, Venus will transit to the next sign and connect with Neptune, which will make you forget that your parents dropped you on the head as a baby…several times.
End your day, as you always do, by jacking off to Bejan Daruwalla’.

And if you are wondering who won the race between the rabbit and the turquoise….OH MY GOD, YOU POOR THING, YOU! 😥

So, now the thing about astrology is… it’s SHIT.

The position of the sun, moon and the planets IS NOT why you have a non existent love life. Jupiter will NOT increase the size of your penis. Jupiter will NOT improve your grammar. Jupiter did NOT give you that god-awful haircut. Jupiter did NOT make you take up engineering.

The thing is, sweetheart, that JUPITER does not care. And neither do the other planets. I checked.

I do not get one thing about daily horoscopes. Is every single person, who belongs to a particular zodiac sign, going to have the same day?

For instance, this is my horoscope for the day.

Pisces:
The day’s energy is apt to be lively, making it much easier to get the things done that you need to do, Pisces. You will find people are more than eager to help you. The trick is to integrate your leadership abilities with the knowledge available from other people. You will create a winning combination of power and strength to put to use in just about any realm of your life.

First of all, it’s VAGUE. Put any situation in your head and read the above prediction again.

I mean you can picture a really ambitious, hard working man having a productive day. OR some guy with erectile dysfunction managing to have a good shag.

And do you know how many Piscean men are going to get away with rape in Delhi today?

Don’t even get me started on the zodiac signs. What the hell is this OPHIUCHUS? You know what it sounds like? I was going to make a dirty joke but I changed my mind. Something to do with blowjobs. That’s all I’m going to say. No more.

Now, astrology is a kind of science, apparently. Just like BREAD is science

Every zodiac sign is supposed to have these specific personality traits, symbol, element, lucky gems, lucky number, lucky fragrances, lucky Gatorade flavor etc.

The problem is that these “specific” traits are…well… NOT specific. They are a compilation of universal facts about human nature worded in a roundabout manner which seem to apply to you irrespective of which sun sign you belong to.

You enjoy your own company and are quite satisfied to potter around in a quiet way and enjoy what nature and life have to offer. You’re equally comfortable in a social environment. Sometimes you do feel isolated and a little disconnected from life. This makes you feel dispassionate even if you do seem to be enjoying what is going on.

At least, 50% of you are going to identify with this. And I haven’t even mentioned what zodiac sign I picked this excerpt from.

Most of these traits are flattering. They provide you with a sense of individuality. ‘Leos believe in hard work and will always strive hard to achieve their goals’. And you think “HELL, yeah! I DO strive hard to achieve my goals! SO TRUE.”

And if you do happen to find two people with diametrically opposite personalities who happen to have the same zodiac signs, the excuse is, “Well, there are always exceptions.”

You know what? GRAVITY is a fact. I do not see EXCEPTIONS floating in the air around me.

And what happened to all the Saggitarians who became OPHIOCHUSIANS (?) this year? Did they change overnight? Does THAT explain Harsha  Bhogle’s hair?

Also, how about making it a little less boring? How about giving me some fun facts? Like Libran women are well endowed. *makes weighing scale hands*
Saggitarians are most likely to give you Chlamydia.
Geminis pick their nose a lot.
I would still respect a person who KNOWS what he or she is talking about in his or her particular field of interest EVEN if it’s astrology. A person who could explain this to me :

‘In Western astrology, astrological signs are the twelve 30º sectors of the ecliptic, starting at the vernal equinox (one of the intersections of the ecliptic with thecelestial equator), also known as the First Point of Aries. The order of the astrological signs is Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius,Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces’

In case, you were wondering, NO, the fits you get in the morning are not ecliptic fits.
Let’s just face it. You don’t know jack. But you still memorise all the details of each zodiac sign so you can bring it up in conversation and sound slightly interesting.

I overhear women bitching about their boyfriends. Everyone does, yes? And they are all “Oh, he’s such a typical Saggi, yaa!” No, girls. He’s an ASSHOLE.

“Oh he was so shy! He couldn’t even look directly at me! So cute! Such a Gemini.” He is not a GEMINI. He is a staring-at-your-cleavage! And maybe you need to rethink your choice of outfits on a first date. (slutty) *coughs*

Men use this to get lucky with women. “Oh, you know, Aries is 88% compatible with Pisces.” Yes, but how does that make my eyes compatible with YOUR FACE?

It’s quite appalling how people actually try to show off their vast knowledge of zodiac signs. They are actually PROUD of it. I mean, really? You are taking life decisions based on what a man named BEJAN DARUWALLA has to say to you. And anyway, how lethargic were his parents when they named him?!

Here’s the thing. Horoscopes are a waste of time. If you really want to succeed in your career, you don’t need to worry about the position of the earth with respect to some obscure star in the sky. You need to suck up to your boss.
If you want to want to improve your love life, how about worrying about the positions in your bedroom?
If you want to lose weight, put that cheese pav bhaji away.
If you are looking for a partner, log on to bharatmatrimony.com
If you want to do well in your board exams…well, we talked about your parents dropping you on the head. So maybe no one can help you there.
Stop sitting on your asses!
You know why the rabbit did not win? He stopped at a tarot card reader on the way. Be the Turquoise.